MY WIFE JENN AND I WERE INVITED to speak in a married couples’ retreat with the theme “Thrive” emphasizing the importance of having the right priorities in marriage to ensure its growth. We have identified three important aspects of primary importance which I want to share with you in this issue. Being aware of these as you prepare for marriage will surely help in ensuring a good foundation for the commitment you will make on your wedding day
1. FOCUS – The focus is the central point or the hub of your relationship.
These days, marriages can become child-centered, career-centered, self-centered marriage-centered or other-centered.
A child-centered marriage is when kids become the center of the family universe. True, the offspring are blessings to parents but when they become the center of the relationship between the husband and the wife, the marriage veers off its original design and therefore, is bound to fail.
A career-centered marriage makes work or business a top priority. When career consumes the husband or the wife, the time spent with the spouse and the children diminishes. And we know that time of good quality and quantity is essential for a marriage to grow.
A self-centered marriage focuses on one’s personal needs and demands. When the husband and the wife each focuses on getting just their respective needs met, they end up draining each other, leaving each other empty like a dried up well. This leads to frustration, resentment, and eventually, indifference.
A marriage-centered marriage is focused on maintaining and projecting a good image. The husband and the wife put a high value on the model of a good partnership that they have painted for themselves and whether out of fear or a desire to maintain a respectable image, living by this model becomes the primary reason for sustaining the marriage.
An other-centered marriage focuses on the spouse. Now you may ask, “Isn’t this the goal - to sacrifice and make the other person happy?” Yes and no. If this is the only goal one has, it may eventually leave him or her exhausted, frustrated and empty. The best way to ensure a strong, lifelong marriage is to make it God-centered. Since the commitment is “till death do us part,” then we have to realize that strength beyond our own is essential to fulfill this part of our wedding vows.
INSPIRATIONS FOR WEDDINGS ONLINE MAGAZINE l VOLUME 5 ISSUE 10 l pp 104
2. FORTIFY – To fortify, means to build a surrounding defense, to secure and to protect.
Fortifying would include repairing what is broken to make sure that what we are building becomes stronger. The moment we get married, we inadvertently bring in “baggage” from the past – bad attitudes that we have acquired growing up from our parents, our environment, and other shaping influences. These may include impatience, selfishness, angry outbursts or holding grudges. These need to be addressed to keep us from destroying our love, trust and respect for each other.
Another way we can fortify is through reinforcement. This can be done through activities that deepen the intimacy and strengthen the unity between the husband and the wife. Let us spend time together with our spouses, secure our date nights, attend marriage seminars and enlist other couples who can mentor and coach us through our highs and lows.
Lastly, we fortify our marriages by guarding it against things that may corrupt it. Anything that would threaten our marriages, we push away. These may include old relationships that derail our current intimacy with our spouse, distractions or wrong priorities.
3. FORGIVE – As I’ve mentioned in my article in a previous issue, forgiveness is the reset button for any relationship. It reboots the relationship that has been beset by offense. For times when we find it hard to forgive, here are a few things that may help us in the process:
Recognize the problem. It’s hard to find a solution if the problem is unclear. It will be doubly difficult if one party or both do not admit that there is a problem. I love what Max Dupree said, “We cannot be what we want to be by remaining what we are.”
Discover the root. The next step is to discover the reason behind the problem. If it’s about finances, is the reason poor stewardship of it? If it’s the busyness, is it in the area of priorities? Whatever it may be, it’s important to deal with the roots to be able to deal with the fruits of the disagreement.
INSPIRATIONS FOR WEDDINGS ONLINE MAGAZINE l VOLUME 5 ISSUE 10 l pp 104
Get help. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and yet to this day, we call on people who will stand by us and help us sort through our issues when we are stuck. Whether they would be professional counselors or godparents who exemplify marriages we would want to emulate, it would be good to have couples who will journey with us.
Start over. This may be the hardest step. We may admit the problem, discover the root and seek help but without the will to press the reset button, we will remain stuck. Let us never forget that since what we have is a lifelong covenant, we should commit to stick it out until our very last breath in order to see this thing called marriage go the distance.
We’ve heard that when growth stops, decay begins. I believe that the same is true with our marriages. We need to secure and nurture our relationships, or they will deteriorate and disintegrate. And because marriage is God-instituted, we can be sure that God will supply us with everything we need to be able to do our part, even as He himself works to ensure that our marriages thrive.
INSPIRATIONS FOR WEDDINGS ONLINE MAGAZINE l VOLUME 5 ISSUE 10 l pp 104
